As the test firing of the Large Hadron Collider commenced at about 0930BST this morning, certain cretinous people around the world prepared for the end of the world as the care-free scientists of CERN played god with science.
They didn’t destroy the world of course, the fact you are reading this now proves it. And don’t get all existential with smart-Alec comments about how we’ve shifted dimensions either, no damage has been done as CERN have only fired two beams of protons to test the circuit of the huge underground tunnel; the first low energy particle collisions are still days away.
I must quote Professor Brian Cox of Manchester University who was reported in the Daily Telegraph article linked above as saying, “Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a t—.”
spEak You’re bRanes is a website that offers a window into the psyche of the average British nutcase.
You know the type of person, it’s a person whose stupid opinions punctuate level-headed, sensible journalism by contorting any article into a pro-Nazi Muslim-baiting propaganda message.
I particularly liked one example of a person who felt the need to take time to write to the BBC complaints section to say, “The weather presenter was heavily pregnant, which annoyed me immensely. Instead of standing there looking as if she was about to give birth, she should just go home and look after herself. Someone needs to tell her to stop being so silly.”
I’ve been busy adding some of the older World of Me content to the new blog. I’ve had to be selective about what I add as I have yet to set up any sort of image gallery (most of the old content is picture heavy) and, more importantly, some of my existing writing seems to have been proof read by a simpleton. I’ll keep at it though. I should have it completed by 2009!
Unlike the blogs CSS, which is starting to make me spit bile at the keyboard. No, I’m wrong there, it’s the web browser to blame, not the CSS. You see, if like me you all used Firefox as your primary web browser I wouldn’t have to keep altering the odd snippet of CSS to make the blog work correctly inInternet Explorer 7 (don’t get me started on Opera or Safari, I haven’t even installed those yet). Just when I think I’ve finally nailed the layout of a page I’ll test it in IE7 only to find that it looks like it’s been spewed up by a cat.
Again, I’ll keep at it. I should have it completed by 2009.
Readers, please be aware that if a credit card transaction fails when you are at the checkout of your local branch of Tesco, you are only a rectal examination away from being treated like a criminal.
Two days ago I’d heard a rumour that the Tesco chain of stores is one of only two outlets that sell the larger jars of Vegemite (the other store is Waitrose, a store that is so middle-class it makes me want to claim benefits). As the meat-free yeast paste forms such an important part of my daily diet, I decided to pop into Swindon’s largest Tesco store to procure me some of that ol’ yeast spirit.
Whilst in the store I decide to stock up on a few essential items, namely a loaf of Hovis’ Best of Both bread (for the indecisive amongst us), a microwave curry ready meal (reaffirming my bachelorism), the aforementioned Vegemite and a box of Grape Nuts (a breakfast cereal whose name is worth more than the contents of the packet).
As the total cost of these items outweighs the monetary content of my moth-ridden wallet, I try to pay for them using my debit card. As the lady at the checkout performs the card-swiping process (although using Chip and Pin technology, Tesco still decide that they need to swipe the card) the computer suffers a ‘blip’ and will not verify the existence of my card (or something). This leads to the secret button hidden under the checkout being pressed, which in turn silences the in-store music, sounds the loudest klaxon you’ll ever hear and causes the illuminated number fourteen checkout sign to flash pathetically (only this last bit is true).
Almost immediately a manager bounds over to the checkout and takes over the transaction. Because my card cannot be verified, I have to sign my signature on the till receipt to complete the payment. Because the signature on my manky old debit card had worn off several years ago, the manager decides that for security reasons I cannot pay with this card. I offer to re-sign the card but this is deemed a security risk. To verify my identification I volunteer my other bank card, my official CORGI identification card, the card I use to gain access to a military installation and my National Insurance card, all of which are refused as it is deemed a security risk.
Meanwhile, the queue at the checkout slowly grows in number and my fellow customers start to grow restless at the delay. The minimum wage security guard looks over in my direction, but having noticed that I am not of an ethnic minority or a chav, decides to direct his attention back towards fondling his ex-forces moustache. Eventually I’m lead by the manager to another checkout so he can attempt to re-swipe my card and complete the payment. As the whole process is restarted, I ask what would happen if I cancelled the sale, left the store, re-signed my debit card, re-entered the store and tried to pay again; would they accept the card as payment? He declines to answer, stating that the sale is complete and I should think about changing my debit card.
I leave the store, safe in the knowledge that everybody else now thinks that I am some sort of international credit card cheat. As I puzzle over the events that occurred back at the checkout, I look back towards the manager to see him calmly restocking the carrier bag dispenser. With my debit card fiasco over, he has successfully demonstrated his god-like power. He patiently distributes carrier bags as he waits to thwart yet another attempt by terrorists to obtain groceries without paying.
The Vegemite on toast I made when I got back home was very nice.
To use a Blockbuster movie rental store properly you must:
Enter the store
Select an empty movie DVD case from the shelf
Take it to the cashier, along with a Blockbuster membership card and a method of payment, who will give you a DVD of the selected movie
Leave the store.
Whenever I try to rent a movie from Blockbuster the people in the queue ahead of me always seem to be trying to ‘break the shop’. If they’re not busy trying to rent a film that isn’t in stock or rent a video game that doesn’t exist, they’re trying to rent a film without actually being a member, or trying to haggle over the prices (“Can I rent it for just this afternoon for half price?”) *, or trying to spend a discount voucher that expired in 1998, or trying to pay in Pfennig. Whatever it is they are trying to do, they always do it ahead of me in the queue and they always take a very long time to do it.
It doesn’t help that the staff in Blockbuster are either mentally deficient, foreign, or both (although the Eastern European Avril Lavigne look-alike in the West Swindon branch is an exception). When recently trying to rent a copy of the German film The Edukators, the Lurch look-alike behind the counter struggled to navigate the hap-hazard filing system and, at first, failed to find the DVD (it was filed under E, not T). He then took great efforts to warn me that the film is German and is subtitled, am I okay with this because some people aren’t and I could choose another film if I wanted to …
The problems seem to continue even after I’ve left the store. I never actually got to watch The Edukators as the DVD had previously been rented and man-handled by Edward Scissorhands; it was so scratched it refused to play in my DVD player.
So I have to endure another visit to Blockbuster so I can obtain a refund. Maybe Lurch will get confused and think I’m demanding my money back because the film is subtitled.
In some strange sense I am glad that I have managed to procure myself an evil case of athlete’s foot. You see, it’s probably the only sporting ‘accolade’ I will ever receive.
A natural born loser, having been the child who always came last at school sports day, the person who always potted the black at the wrong time in a game of pool, the card player who can never complete a game of patience, I have always consigned myself to never owning, let alone filling a trophy cabinet. To me, this case of athlete’s foot is my bronze medal, my engraved tankard, it is my ironic prize for being inept at competition; a sports-based ailment.
Of course, if there was such a thing as swimmer’s wind or jogger’s sinuses, I’d be a gold medallist by now!
I never quite got into the hang of listening to Autechre, there was too much ‘machine noise’ and not enough tune; Boards of Canada did it so much better!
Then I bought a copy of LP5 and saw the video to Gantz Graf.
Today I ventured into the murky depths of Swindon town centre with the sole aim of buying myself a Nintendo Gamecube. As I had decided not to pre-order a console with any specific retailer, I checked the deals at various retail outlets in order to find myself the best price.
The main retailers such as Dixons and HMV had completely sold out, while the dedicated gaming outlets like Game and Electonics Boutique had only ridiculous +£250 deals that included useless travel bags and cuddly toys. Toys R’ us had the best deal price-wise (£175 would get you a console, two games and an extra third-party joypad) but you couldn’t choose the games in the bundle. In the end the Virgin Megastore had the best deal and I was lucky enough to purchase their last available Gamecube for £189, which included the console and two games of your own choice (I chose Star Wars Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader and Luigi’s Mansion)
At the time of writing, the Gamecube has been newly-housed under the tevelvision and a few hours of gameplay has taken place. So what are the first impressions?
The first thing you notice is how small both the console and it’s ‘DVDs‘ are (the Gamecube measures 11.5cm x 15cm x 16cm=small). The controller is great, toy-like in some respects, mainly due to the bright colours on each of the buttons. The vibration you get while playing through the games is subtle and not as rasping as that on the Sony Dual Shock controller.
The console comes with a joypad and a phono video cable only, no memory card or demo discs are included. An RGB scart cable is available but not necessary as the video output through the composite phono cable is excellent.
Games-wise, Star Wars plays like a dream, with some of the later levels boasting superb graphics (and something you never saw on a Nintendo in the past – video footage) whilst Luigi has everything you expect from a Nintendo game; colourful graphics with simplistic yet enjoyable gameplay.
So, a great start to what seems to be a great console. Check back soon to find out if the Gamecube is still in favour or has ended up a failure.
